Tuesday, April 17, 2012

That Couple

My boyfriend and I discussed pets for our future, hypothetical, idealistic and unrealistic apartment when he graduates and joins me in the world of adult-ness-ship. He really likes reptiles. Seems to be a reoccurring theme with the boys that I like. I don't mind reptiles in the last except I don't like bugs and that's their primary food source so... yeah, get your live crickets by your damn self. I have a bigger problem with handling live crickets in a plastic bag than dead mouse babies for pet corn snakes. I'm so messed up. Foxes seem like a great idea but most states don't have lax exotic animal laws except Ohio and look what happened to them. That was a little ways from my college. Poor things :(

So my boyfriend's birthday was recently and I decided I didn't want to get him more lizards and frogs are really loud at night. So it came to me from Roald Dahl's Esio Trot: I'm going to get him a turtle. A tortoise to be specific. We'll be that couple in NYC or Washington, DC with the little pet tortoise. We've agreed to spend the money and get it from an actual breeder so that... well I can't remember why we decided to do that but something about safety or animal treatment or whatever... not supporting black market tortoises? Anyways, we'll need to be in a position where we can have a somewhat larger apartment because I'm not okay with making the tortoise live in a tiny cage or box or whatever. He needs his play pen. And we're going to give him an intense name. Like 'Bastian (short for Sebastian), Azizi or Nevan (anglicized version of an Irish name that means "little holy one").  Ooh, I like the name Sebastian...

10 Alternative Uses for Pet Tortoises:

1) Doorstop
2) Mobile h'ordeuvres tray
3) Foot rest
4) Socializer: Take tortoise for a very slow creep down the street and see how many people you'll meet through it (that rhymes!)
5) Low table
6) Message carrier: Tape messages to the tortoises back and make it shlump back and forth between you and your spouse in the apartment when you're in a fight.
7) Tripping site: Literally trip with your friends and then just stare at the tortoise, never tried it, never known or heard of anyone who's tried it but intuitively it seems like the right thing to do)
8) Pseudo bongo drum
9) Dude Pick-up: Single woman? Your tortoise is gonna have all the dudes in the park talking to you.
10) Cross body bag

** Alternative uses for a tortoise are a joke. If you actually did this, you are a horrible person.

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